it is time to change whether i am ready for it or not

it's over now

only 6 weeks left in marathon training

i am terrified that i will run alone even though i have been alone before and i trained alone.  there was so  much hope.  the weight of all that crushed me.  he lit my paper mache feelings on fire and now i have to glue the ashes back together.  this is harder than it seems and may take some stronger adhesive than running can provide.

he called again, this time unprovoked but i was running.  its so funny that almost everytime he calls i am out on a run.  it's ironic b/c that is my key to seeing him again....we have no future, i have lost a friend now too.he won't move here and won't ask me to go there so i guess as much as it hurts, it's over.  that sticks to my throat...over...stomach churning...over...there must be some protocol for this feeling.  what do i do?

 i am told that my writing is incredibly inspiring, here is a sample:

The debate over reproductive rights is always so heated and getting more and more overlookable.  People decide that it’s not worth fighting for once opinions have been set.  Religious views are so often the root of this Pro-Life activism that it seems futile to even think you can change any of it.  We can fight all we want but the fanatics are still going to bomb the abortion clinics.  I think both sides have their just causes but also that the government has no standing here.  If you are against abortion, don’t have one.  This is a personal choice and should remain so. 

            As far as the readings go, I have to admit I was a little baffled when I didn’t expect to be.  These questions are so hard to answer: is a fetus a person and are we in a position to define what has always been a matter of religious faith?  I totally agree with the notion that amid all this controversy, the real women who are running out of options and time are being lost to the abstract.  When we get right down to it, they are the ones who matter.  This issue is personal and the lives of women who exist in a very tangible way are being jeopardized by the effort of “save” the unborn.  “Clearly, abortion is, by normal standards, an act of defense.”  I hate the argument that because men are men, they do not have to take responsibility for the same actions that women do.  Maybe that doesn’t make sense.  I am upset by the implication that because Eve made this mistake we can therefore blame all the pain and suffering that comes with “womanhood” on something other than their own choices.  Because I am female, I must either remain celibate until I am ready for children (and I damn well better be married) or deal with the fascist government persecution that awaits me in line at the abortion clinic. 

            It is so hard to have conversation with people who are devout in almost any way.  Their religion almost always dictates that they have faith in something that is old and therefore correct.  The phrase, “Because I said so” comes to mind when I think about all the would-be intelligent encounters I have had with adamantly pro-life individuals.  Why is it wrong?  Because it’s murder.  How do you determine that the fetus is a person and when do you make this decision?  Because God said so.  I am invariably at a loss for words to respond.  The problem is so deeply embedded in our culture and religious doctrine that children are being raised not to think about the issue itself but to refer to the all-knowing scripture that was compiled before women were considered people.  How can God have made the distinction before the opportunity for choice was “invented”.  Perhaps this is ignorance on my part because I am not familiar with the standing of the Church on this, but it does seem that every time I try to understand I am assaulted with Bible readings and nothing that makes sense at this moment.  It was interesting to read about the group of women meeting in secret to discuss the reproductive rights issue.  It isn’t only about abortion and I think that is the common mistake.  Fighting is not about violence.  There has to be some kind of peaceful agreement and I think that it would only involve personal decision.  The government has no right to decide who has children.

            The article about Black women and reproductive rights was something I had never thought of before.  I had no idea that women were being arrested for smoking crack while pregnant in the name of the fetus.  I would think they would be arrested for smoking crack at all.  Why the sudden interest in the auto-genocide that the advent of crack has wreaked on inner-cities.  Furthermore, where do these children go?  Had the mother the opportunity to seek help commonly unavailable to her, the child in question would not be living in the squalor of group homes and abusive foster parents.  The other side obviously is that the child is living and has the right to.  It’s such a hard issue.  If we can afford to use our time and resources saving a drug baby, why can’t we use the same resources to help the mother?  It seems the presumption that she is beyond help evades the question.  We have a system that has failed our young, our poor, and our ignorant.  The idea of sterilizing the “unfit” mothers is shockingly Orwellian in nature.  Why don’t we just sterilize anyone who had dark hair and big noses too?  That would purge the society of anyone who might be the next crack addict but also anyone who might not be.  How can they determine whose genes need to be eliminated from the pool?  I agree that drugs are a problem but cannot condone the nonconsensual implant of Norplant to ensure that these people don’t make any more bad choices.  The fact that most of the women in question are Black further compounds the issue.  White middle-class women are paying thousands of dollars to fix their infertility while babies all over the country are being born in jail to a mother who will never receive the rehabilitation she needs. 

            I liked the Rights Agenda for the next century article because it made sense.  Everything in there applied to the here and now and wasn’t infused with “in God we trust”.  I think that the separation of church and state is something we are forgetting slowly but surely.  Every time there is an attempt to squash the rights of living people, we vote on it and sometimes it passes.  We care more about the unborn than we do the women who are struggling with decisions that will change their lives forever.  I guess we should be counting our lucky stars that we still have a chance to make those decisions.